


The Key to My Heart

by 17swonwoo



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Trans, Angst, F/M, Gay, Other, Secret Crush, TaeKey, Trans Character, Unrequited Crush, jongkey - Freeform, kibum is a beautiful trans girl, taemin is emo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 04:07:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12027780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/17swonwoo/pseuds/17swonwoo
Summary: Taemin has always had a crush on Kibum, but she's never shown interest in anyone for as long as he's known her. That is, until he finds her journal...





	The Key to My Heart

Taemin hated cleaning.

 

It seemed fitting of him, as the maknae of his group, to complain about things; however, this was the only task he had qualms with. Nothing else about being the youngest truly bothered him. It was just cleaning the damn dorm...

 

Clad in rubber gloves, an apron, and a mouth mask and armed with a broom and a flashlight, Taemin kicked open the door to Kibum's room and surveyed the scene. Usually, when he had to clean, Jonghyun and Jinki's rooms were the easiest. The hyungs usually kept things pretty clean and pristine. Even Minho was relatively tidy in his room. The problem arose with Kibum. She was, to say the least, a bit of a diva. Expensive clothes and jewelry could be found all over the floor as well as under her bed; makeup clogged her mirror and vanity space; a plethora of notebooks and diaries prevented any steady footing on the floor. This time was no different.

 

Taemin sighed. This was gonna take a while.

 

He started by trying to find any cohesive way to organize the objects littering the floor. Clean clothes got neatly folded and placed in a pile. Dirty clothes, aka the items he had seen Kibum wear in the last month, were carefully placed into the hamper. Underwear was thrown in as quickly as possibly, as even though he had known Kibum for nine years, touching her panties was not something he was interested in. He managed to find a bucket to place all makeup items in. Another bucket was repurposed to house the jewelry. The notebooks started as a pile and began to turn into a tower.

 

But something caught Taemin's eye.

 

Most of the notebooks Kibum wrote in were simple composition books with the black and white spiral design on the cover. But as he pulled another journal out from under Key's bed, Taemin immediately knew it was quite different. He took the journal in his gloved hands and examined it. The notebook looked like something you would buy for an eight year old girl's birthday: it was smaller than the composition books and was completed covered in pink faux fur. It was glittery as well, and some of the glitter came off in Taem's hands. Embroidered on the front was a black cursive K, obviously standing for Kibum's name. Finally, the notebook was protected with a padlock.

 

How had Taemin never seen this notebook before? Was it new? Did Kibum hide it from the boys?

 

More importantly, what was he gonna do with it?

 

Instinctively, he started searching for the key to unlock the notebook. Maybe if he read a couple words, he could figure out what it was, and thus what to do with it! This seemed like a reasonable plan, so Taemin set out to find the key. He used the flashlight to look under the bed, but no key was found there. The numerous shoe boxes lined up near Kibum's closet also proved to be a fluke. He sorted through the mounds of makeup products on the vanity, and a glinting piece of metal popped out at him.

 

Jackpot.

 

Taemin took the tiny, flimsy key in his fingers and inserted it into the padlock, jerking it to the right. The padlock fell to the floor, and Taemin sat down to read a passage.

 

"I can just imagine his moans as I touch him...soft and delicate, begging for more. 'My princess,' he gasps, 'that feels so good. Oh, god, it feels so nice, my angel.' He holds my waist with a tight grip, pulling me closer to him so I can feel his warm skin and his bulge. I gasp."

 

Taemin squeezed his eyes shut and slammed the book closed to stop himself from reading more. His brain urged him to open the diary again and read more of Kibum's entry, but he resisted the temptation. Oh god, he had made a huge mistake.

 

His mind was racing. Who was Kibum writing about? Did Kibum have a boyfriend, or was this just her imagination? _ What the hell did he just read? _

 

Desire took over his body, and he opened the notebook again. He scanned through the entry, trying to find a name. Any name, no matter what it was...he just had to know. Words that almost frightened him caught his attention: 'close,' 'tight,' 'scream,' 'choke,' 'mommy'...then he found the sentence he was looking for.

 

"'Oh, Jjong...oh god, Jonghyun,' I would yell, and he'd drag his fingers down my torso as I wail his name."

 

Jonghyun.

 

Kibum was writing about Jonghyun.

 

He felt his face flush red, with embarrassment and for some reason, a touch of jealousy. Kibum had a whole notebook of fantasies about their bandmate and best friend? And she didn't tell him? Or...include him?

 

Taemin gritted his teeth and flipped the pages more, trying to find more words.

 

Collar. Restraint. Handcuffs. Blindfold. Moan. Grunt. Kitten. Tease. Mommy. Sub-space. Ecstasy. Climax.

 

And about a million "Jonghyun"s.

 

Taemin shut the diary and locked it tight, returning the key to where he found it. He tossed the notebook into the pile with all the other plain composition books, silently praying he never saw it again.

 

~~~

 

"You did a better job cleaning than usual, Taem," Jinki teased, ruffling his dongsaeng's hair. "I know you don't like doing chores, but I'm proud of you."

 

"Thanks, hyung," Taemin huffed.

 

"What's with you tonight?" Minho asked.

 

"Nothing," Taemin bluffed. "What are you talking about?"

 

"You're being grumpy as hell."

 

"What Minho meant," said Jonghyun, sweeping in to rescue the conversation before Taemin could protest, "is that you seem upset and we're wondering if you're okay. However, Minho phrased it differently as he is not much older than you and likes to mess around with you."

 

Jinki laughed at Jonghyun's observation, then showed his agreement by putting his arm around Taemin. Even Minho nodded.

 

"Jjong's right. What's wrong, sweetheart? You're not our usual bubbly little Taeminie," Kibum inquired gently.

 

Despite the innocence and kindness of the gesture, Kibum agreeing with Jonghyun just further continued to piss off Taemin. "I'm fine. Seriously. Just tired."

 

Minho's attitude changed when he saw how truly upset his friend seemed. "I'm sorry Taem, I was just kidding around. Do you want a drink or something? I was just about to get the hyungs something. Maybe it could help you, y'know, chill out a little."

 

"Sure. That'd be nice."

 

"Nice gesture," said Jonghyun to Minho in his fatherly manner. "Let's all just chill out a bit. It's been a long day for all of us."

 

"I mean, all I did was clean," Taemin muttered, sitting down on the couch in their living room. He really couldn't shake this mood.

 

"But that's an important job! Plus, you've got your solo comeback coming up soon, so I'm sure even thinking about that could tire you out," Kibum suggested, sitting on the opposite side of the couch.

 

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Taemin," Jinki added, slumping into his armchair. Jonghyun joined them, took a moment to start a fire in the fireplace, and promptly sat on the floor (a habit of his).

 

Minho passed three beers to Jinki, Jonghyun, and Taemin, then set down a fourth. Taemin expected him to sit down, but he returned to the kitchen, coming back with a bottle of red wine and a glass.

 

"For you, Your Highness," he said in a deep voice, kneeling before Key. He presented the wine and glass as if she were royalty (she practically was in their house). Kibum took the bottle and touched each of Minho's shoulders with it, like a queen knighting someone. "Thank you, squire," she giggled. Minho then took a seat on the couch between Key and Taemin, which Taem was thankful for. He really couldn't face Kibum at the moment.

 

"It's nice to just sit down with you guys for once," Jinki said, flashing a big smile. "We're all so busy lately that I feel like we only see each other in passing."

 

"Yeah, it does," said Minho, sipping his drink. "I miss you guys!"

 

They all smiled, sharing a moment as just best friends. The events of the afternoon left Taemin, and he looked at his members with pure appreciation, nothing else. He loved these idiots.

 

"So, Kibum? You had a photo shoot today, right?"

 

And with that, Taemin was immediately back to reality as the words he read came rushing back to him. It was a shame how just her name could do that to him. He sipped on his beer quietly, half listening to the conversation and half wallowing in his misery. At one point, Minho nudged him and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Taemin knew he wanted to know if he was okay. Taemin nodded simply. Minho nodded and pulled out his phone, probably to check social media. However, about five minutes later, Taemin's phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out to read a text from the man right next to him.

 

_ Minho, 10:36 pm: talk later? _

 

He took a second to type.

 

_ Taemin, 10:37 pm: yeah. gotta talk to jjong too _

 

Minho nodded in acknowledgement, then returned to the conversation as if nothing happened. The discussion was nothing special, so Taem kept to himself, trying to make himself less sad.

 

At around 1 am, Kibum announced that she was going to bed. Jinki, teasingly saying "I'm too old for your all-nighters," agreed that it was time to sleep.

 

"I think I'm gonna stay up. Taem, Minho, what do you think?" Jjong asked.

 

Minho said that he was going to hit the hay as well, nudging Taemin discreetly in a 'you said you need to talk to Jonghyun, here's your chance' type of way.

 

"I'll stay up with you, Jjong."

 

"Okay. Goodnight, Kibum! Goodnight, Jinki! Goodnight, Minho!" He gave each of his friends a hug before they went (as was custom in the SHINee dorm), and stopped to ruffle Kibum's hair. She smiled.

 

That small hair ruffle stuck in Taemin's mind.

 

"Lee Taemin, where are our hugs?" Jinki teased once again.

 

Taemin got up and hugged each of them tight, his love for his friends winning over his grudge. However, Kibum's warm embrace still hurt his heart.

 

He returned to his corner of the couch as the other three retreated to their newly cleaned rooms, and Jonghyun left his place on the floor and sat next to Taemin.

 

"Are you and Kibum dating?" Taemin blurted out.

 

" _ What _ ?"

 

"I...I don't know. I just...you treat her different than the rest of us and I was just wondering if you're involved romantically with her in any way."

 

"Taem, is that what's been bothering you tonight?"

 

"Please just answer the question first. I'll explain."

 

"No, I'm not. I mean, I've always kinda had a thing for her, but she doesn't know about it. Why?"

 

"I...okay fuck this is gonna sound really bad when I tell you this. Promise you won't yell at me?"

 

"I may disapprove, but I won't yell. I promise."

 

"So I was cleaning her room today, and I was sorting through her numerous notebooks..."

 

"Yeah..."

 

"And I found one that was like bright pink. It had a K on it, and it was locked with a padlock..."

 

"Mhmm..."

 

"And I found the key. I opened it...I read part of it, and it was very inappropriate..."

 

Jonghyun said nothing, just raised an eyebrow.

 

"And your name was in there. Multiple times. So I was like, maybe she's dating Jonghyun and just didn't tell me. But you seem kinda shocked, so I don't think you are dating her."

 

Jonghyun sat in stunned silence, trying to process what Taemin had just told him.

 

"I...Wow."

 

"Yeah. She's gonna hate me now, huh?"

 

"Why would she hate you?"

 

"I mean, we have to tell her we found it! And how are we gonna get around the fact that I literally searched for the key so I could read it?"

 

"I mean, what was going through your mind when you decided to look for it?"

 

"I thought maybe if I read a page I could find out where to put it...because, y'know, it was different than the rest of the notebooks..."

 

"Yeah. That, uh, makes sense. We'll just tell her that."

 

"Okay." Taemin frowned.

 

"So what's got you so upset about this, buddy?"

 

Taemin was shocked. He literally just told Jonghyun that his best friend and crush was basically writing erotica about him, and he was still wondering if he was okay? Real class act, that Jonghyun.

 

But was he ready to tell him how he felt about Kibum?

 

"I...y'know how you said you have a thing for Kibum?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Well, I kinda do too. And just...this eliminated my chance with her, y'know?"

 

Jonghyun's face fell. "Oh, Taemin, I'm sorry. I didn't...mean to..."

 

"Nah, dude, it's cool. She likes you. I should be happy for you."

 

"Taemin, if you like her too, you should tell her."

 

"I mean, what's the point? It's just gonna make things more difficult."

 

"But you shouldn't have to hold that type of thing inside!"

 

"But it's gonna ruin everything! If I tell her how I feel, if I tell her that she's the most beautiful girl I've ever met, if I tell her that just the sound of her name makes my heart flutter, if I tell her that every love song reminds me of her, if I tell her that I want to be the one to love her the way she deserves...she's not gonna feel the fucking same, Jonghyun!"

 

Jonghyun sighed. "Taemin, c'mere." He pulled the younger boy into a tight hug. "It's gonna be okay." He noticed that Taem's face was wet, so he wiped his tears. "Don't cry. It's okay. We'll figure something out. Kibum's actually been talking to me a lot about polyamory recently. She finds it very interesting...maybe she's trying to hint that she wants to try it? Pretty wild, considering our situation. Maybe you could be with her too?" He felt helpless trying to pull a solution out of this unfortunate situation.

 

"I don't know. I just...fuck crushes, y'know?"

 

"Yeah. I agree. Fuck crushes."

 

~~~

 

That morning, it was Jinki's turn to make breakfast, which always meant it would be a good morning. The other members woke up to the incredible smells of grilled ribs, bean sprout rice, spicy stewed fish, cucumber soup, and radish kimchi.

 

"Thank god for Lee Jinki!" yelled Minho, emerging into the kitchen in his pajamas.

 

"I'm glad you're excited, my friend. Sit down and eat up!"

 

Next out of his room was an exhausted Taemin with an extreme case of bedhead. Jonghyun followed soon after, equally as tired. They had stayed up late discussing their toils, so both men had bags under their eyes.

 

"Y'all are gonna have to get Key to do your makeup, huh?" Jinki teased.

 

"I guess so," Jonghyun laughed, checking his appearance in his phone camera. "Taem, we look rough."

 

"As expected," Taemin giggled.

 

"Speaking of Kibum, where is that girl?" Minho asked the group.

 

"Probably still doing  _ her _ makeup," Taemin reasoned. Minho got up from the table and walked down the hall.

 

" _ Oh, Queen Kim _ ...please  _ bless us  _ with your presence this fine morning and come eat breakfast..."

 

The door creaked open and Kibum appeared, wearing a blue and green silk sundress (with painted nails and eyeshadow to match, as well as a flower poking out from behind her ear). She really did look like a queen.

 

"Why, good morning, beautiful!" Minho exclaimed.

 

Kibum blushed. "Oh, this? I just pulled it out of my closet," she teased.

 

"Minho's right, Kibummie. You look gorgeous," Taemin sputtered out.

 

"Thank you, Taem," she gushed.

 

"Our girl is so stunning," Jonghyun added.

 

Kibum's face turned ever redder, and she looked down at her feet. "You flatter me," she murmured.

 

"Jeez, having a girl in the house made you all a bunch of softies!" Jinki laughed. "I'm just teasing. They're right, Kibum, you look divine."

 

"Thank you, Jinki. Now, the next task at hand: I need to disgust you all by shoving this food into my face.."

 

They all burst into laughter, and for once since yesterday's discovery, things felt normal to Taemin. He could breathe again.

 

They ate relatively quickly, talking about the events of the day. Taemin had rehearsals for his solo comeback, Kibum had an interview and photoshoot with Vogue Korea, Jinki and Minho had a radio interview, Jonghyun had a rehearsal for a charity concert, and then at the end of the day they'd all come together for one big photoshoot. It would be busy and exciting, but tiring all the same.

 

At 9 am, it was time to leave the dorm and head out for the day. Everyone grabbed their bags and purses, hugging each other as they left. Taemin hugged Kibum tight, and her embrace make him feel...important. He wasn't second best to Jonghyun in that moment.

 

However, as he was walking out the door, Taemin turned back to make sure he didn't forget anything. He spotted Kibum's lips pressed to Jjong's cheek tenderly, and his heart nearly broke in half. He turned and left without a second glance.

 

~~~

 

Fourteen people asked Taemin if he was okay at his rehearsals. Fourteen times, he said he was fine.

 

~~~

 

"SHINee! We are so happy to have you back!" The CEO of the magazine they were posing for tonight had come to greet them, shaking each of their hands and smiling broadly. "This is your photographer for this evening, Choi Boyoung."

 

"Hello, Ms. Choi. We seem to share the same last name," Minho joked with her.

 

"Please, call me Boyoung. I am a big fan of yours and I'm so excited to be shooting you tonight!"

 

They all followed Boyoung into the studio and heeded to her directions, posing in every way she asked. There was lots of laughing, as Jinki's dorkiness always came out during photoshoots.

 

About forty-five minutes into the shoot, Boyoung put down her camera. "Okay, so what we'd like to do next is have couple pairs pose together. We'd first like to do the two hyungs together, is that alright?"

 

"Of course!" Jinki smiled, linking arms with Jonghyun.

 

"For you three," she addressed the younger members, "we will need you soon, but not quite yet. There should be food over there for you, as well as places to sit and chill. Thank you for being so patient!"

 

Taemin sat with Minho and Kibum, grabbing some chocolate covered shit to munch on. He sat with his legs crossed, watching his hyungs pose to distract himself from the beautiful girl right next to him. She was wearing a black velvet Gucci dress that fit her perfectly. Her eye makeup was smoky and lipstick was bright red. Glitter had been sprinkled in her hair so that when the light hit it just right, it glinted and glowed...just like she did...

 

Okay, Taemin was  _ really _ bad at distracting himself.

 

Snapping out of his trance, Taemin looked back to the part of the studio where Jinki and Jonghyun had been posing. However, they weren't there anymore. They were standing with Boyoung in front of a screen, and she was flipping through the shots they had just taken.

 

"Damn, we look good!" Jonghyun said honestly. Boyoung and Jinki burst out laughing, and Minho and Kibum did as well. Taemin faked a laugh to blend in.

 

"So, you two are all done for now! We'll need you back later, though, so don't go anywhere," Boyoung teased. "Next we need Taemin and Key!"

 

Taemin's breath hitched. He glanced at Minho, who shrugged. He then looked to Jonghyun, who nodded in encouragement. Why couldn't Jonghyun understand that things with Taemin and Key would  _ never _ work out?

 

Taemin stood and graciously took Kibum's hand to assist her up.

 

"This will be fun, Taeminie," she said eagerly, practically prancing over to the shooting space.

 

_ Sure it will _ , he thought.

 

"Okay! Key and Taemin. Let's see, how do I want you to pose? Key, could you sit in that armchair right there? And then, hmm...Taemin, lean against it. Yes, that looks nice."

 

Okay, Taemin could handle this! He'd been an idol for twelve years, so modeling had become a piece of cake. He was a professional, he could do anything.

 

"Now Taemin, can we have you sit on the arm of the chair and put your arm around Key?"

 

He couldn't handle this.

 

"Sure," he stuttered. He did as Boyoung asked, propping himself up and putting his arm around Kibum. Key snuggled into him, a blissful smile on her face. Taemin just about died.

 

"So cute!" Minho yelled from across the room. Taemin made a mental note to beat his ass later.

 

"Minho's right, you guys! You look adorable,” Boyoung commented, snapping a couple photos. “Are there any poses you’d like to try?”

 

Kibum turned to Taemin with a mischievous look in her eyes. “Can I sit on your lap?”

 

Taemin chuckled in disbelief. “You serious?”

 

“Of course I’m serious!”

 

“DO IT!” Jonghyun yelled. Looks like Taemin would have to beat his ass later, too.

 

“Sure. I guess. Let’s do it,” Taemin concluded.

 

“I’m gonna sit on his lap, Boyoung, is that okay?” Kibum chirped.

 

“Oh my goodness, yes. That’ll be great. We can have you and Taemin swap so he can sit in the armchair.”

 

Taemin followed the command again, his hands shaking. Somehow, Kibum could make him do whatever she wanted. It simultaneously fascinated him and made him furious.

 

Kibum gracefully sat down on top of Taemin, and his breathing nearly stopped. Yes, this felt nice...and somehow, it felt right…

 

He put his hands on her hips gently. Not because...he wanted to, of course. Just for stability. Yeah. Stability.

 

“You’ve got a nice lap for sitting in, I’m sure the  _ tons  _ of girls you share skinship with walk away pleased…” Kibum whispered to Taemin. She was obviously whispering so that no one took the joke the wrong way, but it turned Taemin on even more.

 

“You know it,” he giggled in response. “Because I definitely talk to more girls than just you and Amber.”

 

“You’re a fucking stud, Taemin, there’s gotta be more girls than just me and Amber.” She pulled Taemin closer to her, pressing their foreheads together and stroking his hair. Boyoung called something out to the two of them, but Taemin couldn’t even hear her. He was too busy wondering if Kibum could feel his heart pounding. Fuck, his pants felt tight...

 

“I mean, not really,” he choked out.

 

Kibum kissed his cheek softly, her lips velvety. “Well, you have me. That’s what matters.”

 

“And now I have a Kibum shaped lipstick mark on my face.”

 

“You two are doing so well,” Boyoung commented. “You’re naturals in front of the camera. Would you like to come see the photos?”

 

“Of course!” Kibum hopped up and quickly strutted over to the screen, then gesturing for Taemin to follow. 

 

And like that, it was over.

 

Taem was genuinely surprised that his knees didn’t give out when he stood. He pulled his suit coat closed tight in an attempt to hide his bulge, but it was hopeless.

 

“Taemin, we look so cute!” Kibum pointed to the screen, and Taemin looked. Boyoung caught a picture of the cheek kiss, but it seemed...almost innocent? Was he really this desperate for her?

 

“Yeah, we do,” he stammered.

 

“Those are gonna look beautiful in the magazine, too,” Boyoung added. “You did a great job. I think next we will have Minho and Jinki…”

 

Once Taemin realized he had been released, he ran to the bathroom immediately. He didn’t really know what to do, so he absentmindedly started washing his hands. He stared at himself in the mirror, angry with himself. Why couldn’t he act normal for just five minutes? If he hadn’t read that fucking journal, none of this would have happened…

 

He took a minute to breathe. He was going to be okay! Once the bulge went away slightly and he calmed himself down, he would be able to return and handle himself like a professional. He was Lee Taemin. He had been in the idol business for years, he could do  _ anything _ .

 

He fixed his hair and made sure his makeup wasn’t smudged, then left the bathroom. He didn’t realize how long he’d been in there; Jinki and Minho had already finished. They were chilling in the hangout space, just eating and talking quietly amongst themselves. But, if they were done, and he had been in the bathroom, that meant…

 

It couldn’t be true.

 

But of course, it was.

 

Jonghyun was holding Kibum in his arms bridal style, beaming at her. Key grinned back, her face positively glowing. They truly looked like a couple.

 

Was anything ever going to go right for him?

 

“Man, Taemin, I’m sorry…” Minho whispered.

 

~~~

 

When they got back to the house, Taemin went to his room immediately. He couldn’t even handle saying goodnight. The whole ride home, he pretended to be asleep so that no one would see the tears welling up in his eyes. This crush was truly destroying him. He needed to do something about it. But what could he do? He had no control over the situation.

 

No one dared bother him until around one am, when a knock came on his door. Taemin, mind on fire, was still awake, but didn’t care to ask who it was. The knock came again, this time a bit more forceful.

 

“Taemin?” Jonghyun’s voice called from outside the room. “Taemin, can we talk?”

 

Taemin said nothing, fearing his voice would break if he did. He didn’t want anyone to know he was upset.

 

“Fine.” He heard footsteps and assumed Jjong was finally going to bed, but soon, a piece of paper was slipped under his door. He managed to get himself out of bed to read what it said:

 

“ _ You, Kibum and I are going for a walk tomorrow. Meet us at the Han River @ three pm. We’re gonna work this out. xoxo Jonghyun.” _

 

~~~

 

“The river looks so pretty right now, with the sun shining on it, y’know?” Kibum looked out over the railing at the Han River, Jonghyun on her left and Taemin on her right. “And I’m here with two of my favorite people in the world. Yay.” She smiled softly, and it was obvious she could sense the tension.

 

“So, we have something to talk to you about,” Jonghyun said. If Taemin had his way, he would’ve let the nice moment go on a little bit longer, but Jonghyun had already started what would probably be one of the hardest conversations of his life, so he essentially had no choice.

 

“Okay. What’s going on?” Kibum said calmly.

 

Jonghyun nodded to Taemin, suggesting he should speak. In that moment, Taemin wanted nothing less than to tell Kibum what happened, but he began. “So, when I was cleaning the other day, I was working on your room. And I found a notebook...not one like your regular notebooks, though. It was like, pink, and glittery, and had a K on it. And it was locked.”

 

Kibum’s cheeks turned bright red. “Oh.”

 

“And, and I didn’t know what to do with it. So...I looked for the key, because I was thinking maybe if I read a small little passage, I would know where to put it…”

 

Her jaw dropped. “Taemin, you did not.”

 

The rolling ball of stress in Taemin’s stomach grew. “So I found the key and read a couple pages and saw what you said about Jonghyun and I didn’t know what to do. I freaked out. So I told him.”

 

Kibum covered her mouth with her hand, completely in shock. “Oh...my god. I cannot believe you.”

 

“Oh, Kibum, I’m sorry, I just...I didn’t mean to invade your privacy like that, my intentions were innocent, and-”

 

“And he only told me because he was jealous, Kibum! He wasn’t trying to rat you out!”

 

This time, Taemin’s jaw dropped. Did Jonghyun really just expose his crush?

 

The anger grew in Kibum’s face. “Jealous?  _ Jealous _ ? Lee Taemin, you told Jonghyun my darkest secret because you were  _ jealous _ ? Jealous of  _ what,  _ Taemin?”

 

“Iwasjealousthatyouwerewritingabouthimandnotme,” Taemin spit out.

 

Kibum started stomping towards him, full of rage. “Oh, so your childish crush on me made you think it was okay to tell Jonghyun my fucking sexual fantasies about him? Yeah, cuz that makes sense, Taemin. That makes a lot of sense. Can’t you get it through your fucking head that not everything is about you? Just because you like to think about me naked when you feel lonely doesn’t mean that we’re suddenly destined to be together, and destroying my relationship with the only man I actually have a chance with is the most disgusting fucking thing you could’ve decided to do. Do you even think things through, Taemin? God, you’re so fucking dense sometimes!”

 

“Kibummie-”

 

“Don’t fucking ‘Kibummie’ me, Taemin. You need to know you fucked up. Do you have any idea how hard dating is for me? I am a transgender woman in a kpop group. People either hate me or only want me or find me sexy because I’m famous. And for once, a beautiful, loving, strong man actually has interest in me as a person, and doesn’t want me just for his fetish or for my riches, and YOU FUCKING RUIN IT. I had a chance to have a relationship with Jonghyun! He told me yesterday that he likes me too! And you pull this shit! Oh my god, do you have any idea how much you’ve fucked up? You just made life a hundred times harder for me! You’re so fucking stupid sometimes!”

 

“Well that’s only because...Kibum, there’s another man who loves you standing right here! Not for a fucking fetish! Not for your money! I want YOU, okay? I want to love YOU! I want to show you how much you’re worth! I’ve felt this way for a long fucking time, Kibum, and I will not stand for you calling my feelings for you childish!”

 

“Oh my god, will you shut the fuck up? NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, TAEMIN!”

 

And with that, Kibum slapped Taemin and took off. She ran as fast as she could, into the darkening distance, out of their sight. Tears streamed down her face.

 

“I...don’t know what to say,” Jonghyun muttered. “I didn’t...I didn’t think this was how this would turn out. I didn’t think she’d react like that.”

 

“I didn’t either,” Taemin said. He put his hand to the tender spot on his face, in complete and utter shock.   
  


“She always seems...so proud, y’know? Proud to be trans. I didn’t know…”

 

“You had to know, Jonghyun. Even if she didn’t say it directly to us, you had to know.”

 

“I mean...yeah. I just didn’t think she’d have trouble with guys, y’know?” Jonghyun sighed.

 

“I guess. Okay, this is going to be the stupidest question ever, but...what do we do now?” Taemin asked.

 

“I think we should go after her, but give her some time. She was pretty upset.”

 

“Trust me, dude, I know. Imagine having all that rage directed at you.”

 

~~~

 

Finally, in the rosy, dim light of the Sunset Cafe, they found her. She sat at a table alone, drinking a beer with reckless abandon. Streaks of mascara lined her face, obviously due to crying. 

 

“Kibum?” Jonghyun said softly.

 

She turned to face them, and she looked rough, to say the least. Her eyes were red and puffy, and almost all of her makeup was smudged off her face. Her expression was probably the saddest they’d ever seen her.

 

“You came after me,” she said weakly.

 

“Of course we did,” Taemin said, approaching her carefully. “Can we sit with you?”

 

“I…” Kibum had hesitation to this idea, and with good reason. “Why not. The harm’s already done, y’know?”

 

Taemin nodded sadly, and he and Jjong sat next to Key. Jjong waved to the waiter.

 

“Two more of what she’s having, please.”

 

The waiter nodded and headed off to the kitchen.

 

“If I’m being honest, this beer highkey tastes like piss. But I’ve also been crying too much to drink it, so it’s probably because it’s warm.”

 

“Here. You and Taem can take the cold ones. I’ll drink the warm one; I don’t mind.” 

 

Before Kibum could protest, the waiter arrived with two cold beers, and Jonghyun swiped the warm one from in front of Key. They all took sips in silence.

 

“Mmmm, nothing like alcohol after you cry your fucking eyes out for an hour. Really gets all the negativity out of your system. I mean, it replaces it with toxins, but whatever, right? We’re all gonna die someday.” Kibum took another swig. She was at a point that the boys didn’t see often: so upset that all she can use to cope is dark humor. This was Kibum at her worst.

 

“Kibum, honey-” Jonghyun began.

 

“Don’t call me honey,” she hissed.

 

“Okay, um. Kibum...what do you want to do? After all this? Do you...still wanna be with me? Or do you wanna give Taemin a chance? You’ve been teaching me about polyamory for a while…”

 

“To put it frankly, I don’t want to be with either of you. It ruins the dynamic of the group, and it’s just too fucking complicated. I’ll just be alone forever.”

 

Both Taemin and Jonghyun were shocked by her answer, and took a moment to mull over her words before responding.

 

“If you ever want to try again...we’ll both be here...and I’m really sorry for hurting you, Kibum. It was never, ever my intent.”

 

“It’s okay, Taem. I can’t really stay mad at you. And I’m not mad at Jjong either...just a little mad at the situation. Mad at the world.”

 

“And you have a right to be,” Jonghyun said. “Life is damn hard for you, Kim Kibum. And not to sound like the stereotypical gay, but you are slaying it, queen.”

 

Kibum laughed sadly. “Thanks.”

 

“He’s right, Key,” Taemin agreed, reaching across the table and squeezing her hand. “We both love you.”

 

Kibum’s face scrunched up in some unnameable negative emotion. “I can’t take hearing that right now. I’m...sorry. Please, just don’t say that.”

 

“Well, then…” Taemin trailed off. “We like you. Lots.”

 

Kibum squeezed Taemin’s hand back, then reached over to Jonghyun and squeezed his. “I like you guys too.”


End file.
